so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
