This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
