So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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