WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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