i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
