I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
