We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
