im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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