I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
