My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
cat food counts as protein by the way
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
