During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
