I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
