i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
