are you so shy because you have an std?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
