She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
