The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
A bitchslap is in order.
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