I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
you never un-have a 4some
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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