Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
