I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
