You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
