I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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