I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
