in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
