the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
