Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize