I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
