Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
