We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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