He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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