dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
