I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
