I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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