The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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