Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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