I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
