New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
