My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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