So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
