good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
