I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
