Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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