is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
