I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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