So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
This can only be settled by a dance off.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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