my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
