"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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