I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Houston, we have a squirter
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
