I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
