I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
