I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize