Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize