so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Its about making memories worth repressing
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My balls are so social today.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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