My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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