She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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