i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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