I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
