I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
