how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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