I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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