before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
