Someone shit on the floor
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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