Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Is it penis luge time yet?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize