I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My ATM looks so different sober.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
